Ignoring "The Look"

Tangentially related note- dental visits are particularly tricky business for people on the spectrum.   Take something most people don't enjoy and feel anxiety about, add in bright lights, strange tastes, unexpected squirts and scrapes and you have the makings of a nightmare.  For the folks on the spectrum as well as those of us with them for the ride.  We have had some interesting dental experiences and have been fortunate to find dentists not only willing to work with my daughter (yes, we had one turn us down) but also willing to do it without sedation and with respect.  So because of this, we typically remind the dental office staff that our daughter is on the spectrum at each visit.  And that reminder served as entree to a bit of a mom mentoring opportunity with one of the dental assistants who has a younger daughter on the spectrum and welcomes support and guidance at work because she feels somewhat in it alone.

I was at the dentist's office today and had lots of time with the dental assistant and our conversation led us to how we have learned to ignore The Look.  The Look is what happens when you are out in public with a person on the spectrum and they behave in a way that doesn't make sense to the neurotypical world (neurotypical is the word often used to refer to people not on the spectrum).  Sometimes it conveys judgment, "What kind of terrible parent are you that you can't control your child?  My children never had public temper tantrums."  Sometimes it conveys pity, "Oh, I'm so sorry you have to deal with someone so uncommunicative." Sometimes it conveys cluelessness, "Hmmm... that child must be one of those slow people because they can't color or write."  And it speaks volumes though not a sound is uttered.

As we chatted about how people don't understand people on the spectrum, we both said "I just don't care what they think anymore."  And this is good, for the most part - we love our kids, we know they have lots of strengths, and we wouldn't trade them for the world.  Whatever triggers the look is usually some coping mechanism or another (e.g., earplugs at Disney - totally smart and those who can't figure that out, well - their loss).  So most of the time I just ignore it and move on.

But here's the thing - by ignoring The Look we miss out on opportunities to educate others.  I'm not advocating always responding to it as some sort of public awareness campaign.  But I do occasionally say "She has autism."  And my daughter occasionally wears an autism button when she thinks she might be in a difficult situation. And that opens up some really interesting opportunities to educate others.  Sometimes that dialog needs to be opened.  And, sometimes we do things that don't make any sense - tolerating outrageously loud music in stores like Abercrombie & Fitch or ignoring people who are smoking in places they shouldn't - and the people on the spectrum are reacting in reasonable ways.  Just not ways that social norms would dictate.  So why should they get The Look?  Maybe we ought to examine that.